We all know this is easier said than done. When you’re a kid we say what we want, and if they don’t we’d throw a temper tantrum until they do. It was worth the “risk” of getting being told no, ignored or even punished because we were our first priority.
“When did self interest come second to perception”
Advocating for ourselves is important in the bedroom, the boardroom, and everywhere in between. So how did we become so bad at it? And how do we get it back?
All The FUQs is getting real about getting real and getting us comfortable for asking for what we really want.
Say What You Want From Sex Feels Awkward
Four year old versions of us didn’t care who was around, we spoke our truth all day everyday. So what changed? Why does asking for what we know we want or need start to feel more like a treat than a necessity? And since when was it just a privilege to be honest and self- interested?
This is a question I’ve debated with my friends, family, and partner, trying to pinpoint the moments when I started to put my self interests second to perception.
“Speaking for yourself is not a treat”
Then I realized I still couldn’t pin it down exactly so I might as well just focus my energy on correcting it.
But self advocacy can feel awkward. Asking for what I wanted meant being noticed, outspoken, and potentially challenged. I could be considered difficult or high maintenance.
Standing out too much didn’t seem worth it.
Self-Advocacy Is Not A Perfect Science
My personality has always been fundamentally semi-dramatic. By that I mean, whenever I’ve wanted to do something I’ve always felt the need to be extra loud about it, or go stealth mode like Black Panther not letting anyone know what I was up to. My ability to advocate for myself has been no different.
I started off small, changing my order at a restaurant, sending back drinks that didn’t taste good etc. Then I upped the ante but, moving from quick honesty with strangers to larger truths with people I knew or were close to me.
But this took time and I still often come back from conversations with a disappointment in my ability to speak up for myself. Even when I know what I want is best for me. Crazy.
What Does Saying What You Want Have To Do With Sex?
It has everything to do with sex, your job, and your relationships!
When it comes to sex, there is so much social shaming that is taught and learned by us and our peers everyday. It starts when our memory is just forming--often when we are beginning to self-discover pleasure in our bodies-- and never really ends.
So when it comes to sex, there can be no pleasure with a whole lot of self-advocacy first. There is a need to advocate for yourself to give yourself permission to be a sexual person and to accept that sex is a natural part of many of our lives. Then there is the ability to allow ourselves to feel and accept pleasure by yourself or from anyone.
And then there is permission to say no!
Self-advocating during sex is as much about sharing what you like as it as about being honest about what is not working for you.
Get The Pleasure You Really Want
Advocating for yourself and your pleasure proves to yourself and those around you that you value yourself, your space, your time, and your orgasms. This versatile strength can spill over into the other aspects of your everyday life and yield more success than we can imagine.
It can even be a turn on. Advocating for yourself can actually take a lot of pressure off of your partner, and make the overall experience more fun. Your partner will know that they are pleasing you without having to guess, and you can bask in all the sexual bliss of getting exactly what you want!
THE F.U.Q.S
The first conversation we have about sex can actually with ourselves. You may be surprised just how well you can get to know yourself.
Being clear about what you want can be a serious turn on
We can either be active in our sexual pleasure or choose to be passive. The choice is ours.
Advocating for ourself does not always have to be such a huge ask. We can start start with the small stuff and grow as we see fit.
