How does sex work? Do you have sex requirements? The must haves, better dos, if they don'ts, that make or break how you grade sex with a person and the person themselves? That's the case for the most of us. But, where does come from and is there really a proper etiquette to sex?
When we have a sexual experience of any kind, with anyone, it is a typical reaction to judge the moments before, during, and after. How we do it, differs from person to person- with shared opinions slowly shifting into to communal facts. For example, if my girls and I all think that in a heteronormative relationship the man should buy the condom, then ipso facto, it becomes law to us that a man who does not carry a condom ain't worth our time.
“Pleasure play is shifting from a courtesy to a requirement.
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Why do we have sex requirements?
It is not talked about nearly enough, but pleasure is an important part of enjoying our sexual experiences. Our partner's actions and our judgements of those actions, all feed into what makes us feel enticed, comfortable, annoyed or over it. So when a partner passes a sexual requirement, be it coming prepared for safe sex, giving the sloppiest blow job, or being the most sensual dirty talker, it all fuels our sexual drive and mental stimulation.
Where do these sex requirements come from?
The sources can feel endless. Friends, family, media, location, cultural biases, and personal biases all play a part in how we see these requirements. You and your friends exchange sex stories, and their response can trigger you to either amplify or dull your opinion of your counterpart. The same goes for family. How you were raised, what is considered culturally acceptable, and what is locally cool all plays a part.
How did sex work before?
In the past, the generic rules were pretty boring and unbalanced. If participating in hetero-sex, it was heavily suggested that it was the guy's job to bring the condom, set the scene, know what to do and do it. Let an old movie tell it, the woman just had to show up and enjoy it (no matter if you really did). Homosexuality, generally, was either muted with shame, or highly publicized as wrong. Any other form of sexuality was not considered for larger sex and sexuality conversations.
What's changed?
So much and so little. For some, adults dissociate from the children and adults of today, confusing perspective for truth. For instance, while headlines continue to share how fast millennials and the like are, studies show that the percentage of those within black and hispanic communities having sexual intercourse has either dropped slightly or remained about the same!
What has changed is the amount of transparency and choice. Young adults in the 90's and currently do not feel tied to one partner. In fact, though the number of sexual partners has expanded the average amount of sex we have is around the same and actually more sporadic!
So is there an etiquette?
“Though the number of sexual partners has expanded the average amount of sex we have is around the same and actually more sporadic! ”
Yes, with cultural, personal, familial, and societal pressures all playing a part, there are behaviors that are considered customary and acceptable when engaging in any sexual act. The difference is the etiquette is less role or gender specific. Condoms are no longer only brought by the person with the penis. Anyone and everyone should be prepared with a form of contraception and STI prevention.
Verbal and physical consent is now required to and from all parties involved. More and more we are seeing what occurs when that behavior is ignored.
Pleasure play is shifting from a courtesy to a requirement. We are becoming much more open about rating our partners off of how much pleasure we received during sex or a sexual experience. And yet, though we have increased the number of partners we have sex with, but that does not mean speaking about pleasure is fully accepted yet! Pleasure, and giving yourself permission to give and get pleasure from yourself or someone else, still demands continued honesty and advocacy. Honesty about what feels good or bad to you and advocacy for your right to feel good.
So seriously, how does sex work?
It works best when you are honest with yourself, clearly communicate your desires, and remain open to learning. It does not work well when we assume the status quo is automatically right, limit our sexual growth, or teeter away from real change.
All The FUQs
- It is both proper and legally expected to gain verbal and physical consent from your counterparts before any sexual activity or encroachment of their bodily agency.
- Culture, people, and media all play a huge part in how we rate our partners. Take a moment to consider your current requirements. Do they fit who you are and who you are becoming?
- Though consent, safety and pleasure are set in stone, not all requirements are. If you feel the need to change a outdated requirement and can do so safely, then go for it!
