1. It's your first time having penetrative sex.
Whether it is vaginal or anal the first time being penetrated, as well as the next times to follow, can be (but is not guaranteed to be) painful. With vaginal sex for the first time, the tearing of the hymen by an outside object (does not have to be a penis only) can cause pain and bleeding.
For anal sex, it is important for you and your partner(s) to know what you are doing. With the anus there is no faking comfort. If you are the least bit uncomfortable, the muscles in your anus will tense up and tighten (the same goes for a vagina), making it almost impossible for anything to get in there, and if anything does, it will most likely be painful. If you jump right in to having anal without proper preparation, communication, and lubrication, you can experience pain. Remember, the booty doesn't lie.
2. Past trauma
It is rarely spoken about, especially within communities of color, but past sexual trauma can cause following sexual acts to be painful. For many of us, it is very difficult to even begin to come to terms with a traumatic sexual experience, talk about, or learn how to work through it. The effect though can catapult into all other parts of our lives. Therefore, when we try to have a pleasurable, consented sexual experience, we can actually experience a lot of physical and mental pain, that can make sex unpleasurable or impossible to have.
It is important to know that if you are experiencing this, you are not alone in this and judging yourself is the last thing you should do. Instead, be transparent with yourself and your partner that you are not ready to have sex. Then practice patience with your healing, and seek medical or therapeutic help. Remember, be kind to yourself and your body. Then give permission for others to do the same.
3. Lack of lubrication
Let lube be your friend. Vaginas do not always lubricate enough for an entrance of foreign object's and the anus certainly does not. So again I say, let lube be your friend! Go to a sex shop, speak with the employees, and read reviews online. And remember, lube is not always one size fits all and sometimes your body can reject negatively to the components of lubrication brand. So if there is discomfort, discontinue use of that brand immediately!
4. Infection or internal issues
A year ago I realized that certain positions caused me pain. I also had other side effects that I'd ignored, such the need to urinate more frequently. It was only when having my yearly check up with my GYN that I learned I had an ovarian cyst that was causing this discomfort. Luckily, after checking in after 3 months, my cyst had shrunken and disappeared. However, this is not always the outcome, as some cysts can grow, and in sometimes rupture. This is why personal health and check ups are pertinent.
Other reasons for pain can be caused by sexual infections or diseases. With certain infections you can feel the symptoms more than you can see them. Other times, it is the other way around. Just another reason why a regular STD/I check up is necessary. Sometimes, you feel nothing at all. With or without any discomfort, it is imperative to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases/infections every 3 months.
5. Wrong Position
Baybeh, there is always more to learn when it comes to sex. So it is completely OK if you are not into every position. It is just very important that you SPEAK UP! There are hundred of positions to try (more on that later). Don't settle!
6. You're Just Not In To It
Sex is an equally mental and physical experience. So if you are not into sex, it probably won't not feel great and may even hurt. Please know that even if your body responds (by getting wet, getting an erection, or cumming) it does not mean that you are fully into having sex. TRUST and SPEAK UP for your body. Always.
The FUQs
- It's a fallacy to believe that painful sex can only occur during the loss of one's virginity. Sex pain can happen at any time, for a plethora of reasons. The important fact to take away from this, is to NEVER IGNORE IT.
- You are not alone. It can be scary to experience pain when understanding sex to be guaranteed pleasure. It is okay. Acknowledge the pain, and then take action to take care of yourself.
- Take care of you, you only get one.
