Being lightly choked or roughly handed as a way to be intimate with a sexual partner, can certainly sound like an oxymoron. How can rougher sex, or being choke ever be a way to show intimacy or love? How can it ever be appropriate?
These are real questions that many sexually active people. There is just as much fear around asking for it and receiving it as there is in being the one to do it. Is there a respectful way to be choked during sex? Can it be both intense and soft at the same time?
What are the important things to keep in mind when considering requesting more aggressive acts in bed?
Don’t MeToo Me, Too
The Other Response to MeToo
Has #MeToo, #TimeIsUp and other sexual accountability movements made it impossible for chocking during sex, or any experimentation? With all the social movements around sexual mistreatment and legal cases, it can seem like rough sex has timed out.
The MeToo movement has done and continues to do amazing work for so many communities - and yet many have not hidden their discomfort.
In the New York Times, men have shared their discomfort in the unavoidable shift. For some men and women, there is a hesitancy in going too far with #MeToo. One man noted that, “…if men are expected to walk the line between seduction and harassment, and women are either complicit or victimized, nothing will change.”
It is true, that the MeToo movement was not started to induce unnecessary fear, but instead shine a necessary light on sexual maltreatment and misbehaviors. The MeToo movement is certainly changing lives and redirecting our understanding of our sexual “due north,” but with such a dynamic shift there are a lot of questions that remain unsettled.
With people becoming more nervous of even the simplest interactions being misunderstood, is it even possible to ask for more intensity in the bedroom? Can it still be appropriate? And if it is, how can we navigate it?
Is Choking Now Inappropriate?
The simplest answer is no. But putting that into practice may not be so easy. While MeToo is changing lives for the better the concerns mentioned earlier are very real for some.
The comfort, though, is that these movements and conversations are not meant to stifle sexual enjoyment. Quite contrary. The point of these conversations is to ensure the sexual enjoyment, safety, and consent of everyone who is a participant.
It is all about sexual awareness and accountability. It is about creating a space and reality where consenting adults can have all the fun and pleasure they desire through clear communication, transparency from all participants, and being well informed.
This may be easier to identify in some situations more than ever — and that is a learning curve that we need to get up to speed with quickly. But discomfort some of us are feeling might be exactly what we are in need. It allowing us to be honest, ask for what we want, explore safely with each other, and understand our own and other’s corporal ownership rights.
Asking Can Feel Awkward
You Might Not Have the Words
So, what do you do if you want something different like slight choking done to you — or if you want to be the one to do it to your partner? What then?
It can feel impossibly hard to maneuver on both ends. For the person who would like the act done to to them, it cab be challenging to open up and ask for it. There can be worry about judgement or assumptions. Describing the desire to be respectfully choked can seem almost silly, but it would have to happen. Or else how can you partner really know what you want? How can you assure that you are both comfortable if neither of you are able to put it into words?
And then of course there is the person who have to be the aggressive one. This person could be concerned that you might now know what you are really asking for, try it, not like it, and then blame them. Or it could be the first time for them to be put in this position, and something this new and different can be intimidating.
Sound about right?
But You Can Find The Words
It might feel awkward because its new, and new does not always feel immediately natural. So this is where communication and timing are key!
“No matter the answer, it is very important to take note of it, to make sure that it in fact did not hurt to try something new”
Choking and other similar acts are also pegged as aggressive and violent, especially because of how they are seen in pornography. So it is CRUCIAL to have a plan before going down this path. The only caveat - in order to make this plan, you and your partner will need to really communicate before, during and after sex.
Try to find videos (do not need to be porn) or images that can help you and your partner understand what it is you are looking for.
How to Practice Choking in Bed
Is This What You Want and Why?
It is important for you and your partner to understand why it is you are looking to do or have this done to you. Choking and other similar acts during sex require submission by the one being choked and controlled dominance by the partner doing the choking. So understanding why there is this desire by you or your partner to be dominated in this way or to dominate will be helpful for you both better understand context.
This also helps you and your partner ensure that you are both consenting to this for the right reasons. The line between dominance and overpowering aggression can be thin, so being clear as to what you both are really looking for has to be done ahead of time. Boundaries and safe words can and should also be established during this time. These conversations of why you want this can also help when it is hard to find the words of what you want, right away.
The desire to have sex or to try different types of sex should never be assumed. Clear consent is required.
Start Slowly and Notice Their Responses Regularly
If you and your partner are able to agree on this, do not feel rushed to get going. Take your time. Make sure to still practice foreplay, and take your time with the more dominant acts. Do not start off rough but instead, begin gently and build.
While you and your partner build up, read their body signals and check in for verbal responses too. Asking if they are OK does not have to kill the vibe. You want to ensure the safest experience possible for both you and your partner so checking in is really important. if they are unable to verbally respond to you, you may be cutting off their air supply, and no one should ever be choked to the point that they are unable to respond clearly.
When in the throws of sex, it can be challenging to remember to check-in so making sure that you plan this out ahead of time, and take your time is major. Also, in the case that you or your partner may have thought they wanted to do this, began to try and did not like it, you can safely stop.
After Sex Check-In
After trying something new in bed like this, and no matter your normal after sex routine, you can check in afterwards. Whether you were the one who submitted or was more dominant, check in with yourself and your partner about how you felt about it. Did you like it? Did you like parts of it? or was this an experience you don’t need to try again?
No matter the answer, it is very important to take note of it, to make sure that it in fact did not hurt to try something new.
THE F.U.Q.s
Sex that plays off of dominance and subservience can be enjoyable for some, but is certainly not for everyone. Just like any other form of sex.
These forms of sex can be enjoyable.
Communication is EVERYTHING. Before, during and after sex. Noticing, listening and
Liking or not liking it is OK. Not respecting your partner, is never OK.
