I was never told that men could experience a lost libido unless they were over the age of 50. Again, I had no idea that men could experience a lost libido unless they were over the age of 50 until I was in my mid-twenties. That deserved to be repeated because lots of folks do not know that and may just skip over that key point, especially is you are interested in men. Mandigo, stallion in the sheets, packing - these are all descriptions that I was trained to look for in a partner. Having a sexual interest in men, my peers and of course media trained me to know that if a man had a small penis (not packing), did not have a long and wide penis (Mandingo style) or could not do the most AMAZING work in the bedroom (stallion in the sheets aka no lost libido) then he would never be worth my time. No I can’t say that this is the worst advice, but I can say that from experience this is certainly not the best advice.
Often times…who am I kidding… ALL the time, as a self-identified woman I make sure that my male counterparts are aware of all the ways women, if not specifically women of color are pressured to somehow be one kind of woman. I will gladly go on a justified tirade of the unsurmountable pressures that we make look like molehills because we are just that amazing. Which we are. And which they deserve to know.
But it is also true, that many times there are incredible expectations put on men, especially sexually that should be considered unfair. He has got to be buff, but what about the awesome Slim Jims of the world, He needs to be rich but what about the Jay-Z before they were who they are now, He needs to have a full head of hear but what about my handsome baldies?! He should be light skin but the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice!
With this blog, sexual health is a conversation, not a judgement. In sexual health, in order for real progress to be made, the conversation needs to be had from both sides and both sides needs to take accountability for their own and each other’s growth. When either side creates these unnecessary pressures on one another, we all lose.
Why Stop Now?
What’s the big deal right? It is my opinion that it is actually a major deal. When we inflate our expectations of our partners, we indirectly give them permission to dishonestly inflate themselves to match these needs. A huge pet peeve, “Baby I’m go a hundred rounds. I’m in the best in bed.” When he knows that he can’t and he won’t. But I should I not be equally upset at the partners before me and his friends that may have put that foolery in his mind? Now some men may just be exaggerating cornballs who will always lie in these ways but what about those who just feel this is the only way to even be considered by someone of interest? Are they wrong?
Not only that, but when we inflate our expectations don’t we also drastically limit potential partners that could be compatible? For instance, the reality, is that for many men, as the reach their 30’s and older, they may experience a lost libido, a drop in their hormones and more. As normal as this is, a lost libido is not a topic that can easily be discussed for men or for women. A man can gain experience and get better in bed and still struggle with a lost libido at times. Does that mean he is no longer a viable option for a partner? Is he no longer perfect?
Why Assume When You Can Know
The truth is that we all have premeditated assumptions of who we want to be with but only learn with time who we should to be with (if we need to be with anyone at all). Often times, the two ideas do not match up perfectly. So why assume when you can know for sure if the idea of the person is better than the person themself? Below are some assumptions that we (both women and men) make about men of color today that do not benefit us at all.
He Should Be Perfect
Let’s be real, are you?! He or she needs to be compatible, the need the supplement the happiness that you bring to yourself and nurture in a way that bring you forward. Ideas like this have led me to pursue men who looked the part but hurt me more than they helped me. Sometimes what looks perfect is not.
He Should Be the Whole Package
The issue I find with this, is there is only apparently one package for everyone. So everybody wants Target over a custom fit? Your partner should be the whole package, but what that package should contain is up to you and what your needs are —no one else’s, not even your partners.
Lost Libido? Lose My Number!
Sex is all about change. If my partner immediately dropped me because my vagina would not get super wet every time I chose to have sex, I would feel an insane amount of pressure to perform perfectly sexually. This pressure would change sex from pleasure to performance and take away from one of the best parts of sex. In men, a lost libido can show itself in the inability to get or remained arouse, also known as erectile dysfunction.
This does not make any man less than. Though ED is found most commonly in older men, it is not only found in older men. And a lost libido can be cause by more than just age, stress, exercise and internal issues can all feed a lost libido.
If He is Sensitive He is Weak
Not always the case! For men or for women. Not the case for anyone!
He Can’t Even Have Sex Right
This one is toughie, as there are just some universal NOs in the bedroom. However, there are many parts of a sexual experience that are subjective. What is a turn off for one may be a severe turn-off for someone else. This is why it is crucial to communicate what you want and need from sex . That way you know that is really is that you both are not compatible and not a lack of communication.
The FUQs
Sex myths help no one.
A lost libido is not the end of the word and there are many ways naturally, with toys, and with supplements that a lost libido can be helped
Some expectations are healthy but unnatural expectations can inhibit growth in ourselves and in our potential partners.
