Have you ever found it hard to say no to someone? Maybe they wanted to leave a party right when your song came on, or wanted to go out right when you found the perfect position on your bed. Or maybe the ask was a bit more intense and of a sexual nature?
It sounds so easy, but if anything is clear from the MeToo explosions (and before), it is that the need for consent for sexual behavior has been overlooked too many times. So how do we help ourselves out of uncomfortable situations if the situation ever presents itself?
Essence made a video a couple years ago focusing on all the ways women can say no.
So maybe its for date ever or your 10th date with the same person and there sexual advances being hinted or even acted upon. How do you remain authentically you, safe and comfortable?
1. No Is A Complete Sentence.
From: www.teachconsent.org
This will be written in every post concerning consent. No is a full sentence and does not need to be justified with any follow up. So how does that work? If the person you are with asks you to participate in any sexual act that you find uncomfortable, do not judge yourself or worry of what they think. Your safety and comfort are to be respected. Check out tips on asking and granting consent here.
2. Your Words Are Valid
Often times we are judged for asking questions. If you do not know what someone else knows or are comfortable enough to seek clarity, we are looked at as foolish. If at work, school, or out - you can make requests to stop doing something and in real time see someone ignore you. Do not give them a pass then or when the scenario is connected to sex. Your words are respected and require respect. It is a red flag if you are with someone (friend or otherwise) who consistently ignores your requests.
3. There Are Many Forms of Attraction
Neither attraction nor intimacy have to se-- related. There are many ways to be intimate with a partner, without touching such as meaningful, telling conversations, eye gazing, or partnered cooking/creative activities. There are also forms of palpable intimacy that do not include anything sexual such as holding hands, kissing, cuddling, permitted over the clothes touching.
You can be attracted to someone sexually, romantically, emotionally, aesthetically or any combination of these. It is your prerogative to learn and respect the type of attraction you have to someone else, and it is important for them to respect it to.
4. Trust Your Instincts...the First Time
We do not always see or feel an uncomfortable situation coming, so when we do, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. If you feel uncomfortable, speak up and find your way to an exit. Don't not dismiss yourself to make someone else feel good, or to not look cool/down. If they see your value, they will wait.
5. Put Yourself First
Often we feel that we have something to prove to someone. False. First work on impressing yourself by knowing yourself. Trust and believe it sounds easier than it is. Try putting yourself first by listening and respecting your body's needs and see how it changes how other's approach you. You may just be pleasantly surprised.