By: Menelik
I was too young. Old enough to see the broad strokes, but too young to fill in blanks. Old enough to pressure myself into performing, but too young to know what I brought to the stage. Old enough to sit at the table but too young to join the conversation. Too young for too long. Apologies to those who encountered me then.
“... searching for confidence in conquest. ”
I was sour, bitter, angry and closed to the world. I knew, and felt how closed I was. Closed to myself. Dishonest. Dishonest because I wouldn’t let myself see the positive. Dishonest because I pretended to know what I was doing, but I was only looking for help from someone who couldn’t help me, because I wouldn’t let her. I had a kind and loving partner, a young woman I cared for and who cared for me. I cared enough to try to perform for her, but I had more pride than sense and knew absolutely nothing.
“I’m a little older now, and learning. I would join you to invite me.”
So my first time was me pressuring myself to live up to some assumption of the right thing. It was learned machismo and false confidence and an overwhelming sense of nervousness. I was wrong to say “I love you” without being able to back it up, true or not. Wrong to look for myself in her. Wrong to think that the love of an amazing young woman could make me worthy. Wrong for wanting to believe that she could give me self worth.
And I repeated my first time over and over again. I repeated so many of my mistakes, looking for things I could only find in myself, searching for confidence in conquest. I couldn't share myself, even when I wanted to. But coming from a good place doesn't absolve me of my failures. Wanting to do better does not erase my shortcomings. I wanted to love too many people without knowing how to love myself, how to back it up. And I was too young for too long.
I'm a little older now, and learning. I would invite you to join me.
the fuqs
Nobody but you can make you whole.
All love derives from self love.
We aren't perfect, but we can get better.
Sex is amazing, and a lot more so when you take the time to learn yourself and your partner.
There is no prize to be won, but there is a great gift to be shared.
