Love or money? When considering a relationship or considering if I should stay in a relationship, the question of love or money have never not been a concern. But what is more concerning is that it is hard to think of a couple that started out having both. This begs the question, is it greedy to expect love and money in a relationship? Or can I have my cake and eat it to?
Recently, I replayed an older episode of Madame Noire’s Ask A Black Man. On this episode the men circled together on their opinions of why so many successful black women are single. Being successful and driven and knowing how the game has been for me— the guys flaunting money they don’t have, the one’s whispering sweet nothings, the guys that are only half baked in their ideas and their actions— dating men has never really been fun for me. Being single definitely has its perks, but the amount I have gone home sexually unsatisfied and mentally underwhelmed has remained high.
“People with money can more easily cheat on you”
Growing up was one thing, but when I got older, and started having sex that my family knew about, the conversations around what I should I look for in a relationship started to change. I had aunts that pushed me to follow love, no matter what the cost. And I had grandmas that vehemently disagreed, prepping me with a checklist of qualities and bank statements I should first look into. In my family, many had married before their finances were sturdy and somehow managed to build up together. And in school I’d witnessed incredibly wealthy couples that felt more like business partners than lovers.
The Need for Stability
And now here I am, trying to figure if I need love or money more in my relationship? And WHY I even need to ask myself that question to begin with? Many times while sipping tea and throwing shade with girlfriends, the woes of “the broke man,” “the baller with no play",” always come up. Why can’t he make more? He does’t make enough time for me. If he can’t afford a rock this big, I don’t want it or him.”
Writing out the words that I know, in some version, have come out of my mind seems harsh but not all the way untrue. As a woman, stability and safety are huge factors when considering a mate, and that is just straight forward biology. In expensive cities, money is a serious form of stability. How can you build, struggle less, create and provide for a family if you and your partner are broke?
“Drive is incredibly sexy. I’ve been seriously turned on by men or women who is more focused on their work than on me. ”
If you make more than your partner, is it really honest to say that there isn’t some form of resentment? Would they hold me back in some way from my maximum joy?
My family, close family friends, and even some celebritiesI follow have warned against dating some one with potential vs someone who is already there. But should I to judge someone else’s success when my own may not even measure up to my standards?
The Need for Potential
As someone in my twenties, my life is one part bawse bitch, one part mess and one part seemingly together. After following the rate race for so many years I am only now trust my own talents to pursue what I love and my partner is too. Jay-Z was born in ‘69 and didn’t drop his first album until he was almost 30! Things take time. So why does it feel so irresponsible to afford my own potential partner the same time and trust to grow?
“Is there some sort or relationship calculator that balances hardships, responsibilities and potential for an overall relationship risk score?”
Drive is incredibly sexy. I’ve been seriously turned on by men or women who is more focused on their work than on me. Seeing a man ruminate of a question only he can solve or a woman practice her craft until it is perfect to her liking makes me want them more than I would if they paid attention to me.
Potential is the energy that keeps us active, motivated, and sexually attractive. So why is it so dangerous to use it to determine my sexual and romanic relationships. Can potential lead to both love and money in a relationship?
The Need for a Partner
And there is the flip side when considering love or money in a relationship. Am I supposed to just follow my heart for someone who makes my days easier? Sure they might be broke but they listen, console, advise and sexually satisfy to a level that is unmatched. Is it a question of someone who matches my fly or matches my hustle? Before Cardi B really exploded was she not a viable option for Offset? Jada and Will are consistently reinventing their interests, their careers and their bond and seem happier for it. They hustle up together, seemingly, in a partnership that feeds them both.
What is a partner supposed to look like? Should the question be how you are being treated or the ability to afford ease? Does love of money matter more in a relationship?
The Double Standard
In the Ask a Black Man episode, one gent noted that expectation of man and women are just different. While women can live at home past thirty, men need to have space of their own right after college. Women, as they see it can afford the luxury of grad school while men will often feel pressure to pick up a paycheck first. If a part of a heterosexual relationship, should then man get a pass? Is there some sort or relationship calculator that balances hardships, responsibilities and potential for an overall relationship risk score?
What I Know
What I’ve learned is that if I am questioning my relationship about love or money , I am questioning what values I want to trust in, live by, and instill into future generations. In my opinion, both love or money can bring you some for of happiness but the kind of happiness they bring are completely different. With love, real love, you gain a partnership, a confidant and your greatest fan. With money you can afford to take risks, walk away more easily, and again quick immediate joys.
What I know is that love for me has helped me push myself to make more of myself and my bank account. With love I have been able to find money, and with love I have a foundation stronger than money can promise to me.
What about you?
THE FUQs
Most relationships end because of disagreements about money. Being able to discuss finances honestly and early is incredibly important.
Don’t feel that what you don’t deserve to have financial conversations. With a helpful, intentional tone, you can really get to the bottom of where you and your partner are and where you want to be.